The Degrees of "No!" (Part 3)

Several months ago, I started writing a series of articles entitled “The Degrees of ‘No’” in which I hoped to start a discussion about how to protect and keep children safe from incest and sexual abuse at the hands of close family members and friends. I know, it’s a sensitive issue. People don’t like to talk about it. But it happens. More than many want to know or believe.

My daughter uses songs (mostly found on YouTube) to help her children learn that it’s okay to have boundaries with people who are close to them. My niece is direct with her children, from a very young age, about using correct names for all body parts, and along with that is the teaching of boundaries and safe spaces. She is also careful to never use the word “secret” with her children, and they are taught that if anybody tries to tell them a “secret,” that means to tell Mom and Dad right away. These are definitely excellent beginnings toward unlearning and re-learning parenting strategies with the goal of keeping children safe.

Recently, another niece of mine shared a Facebook post related to my reasoning for starting this article series. She introduced the post with these words: “This is why I will always respect a child’s wishes when they say no! What are we teaching our youth if they learn that they have no control over their own autonomy?” Well said, Sadie! And thank you for sharing this post.

The article was originally called “Fighting the Patriarchy One Grandpa at a Time,” written by Lisa Norgren. I do not know when or where it was first printed or published, but I feel it is important enough to share again. (Please read it.) Ms. Norgren speaks from her heart, from my heart, from the heart of every victim who once trusted the perpetrators in their lives.

In her article, Norgren talks about watching her stepdad playfully poke at his granddaughter despite her visibly shrinking from his reach. The young 3-year-old was too scared to speak up, (even when encouraged to do so by her mom), and asked her mom to speak for her. She does, as she should, despite Grandma’s glare of disapproval and comments supporting her husband’s actions.

The point Norgren is trying to make is that we need to recognize, in order for children to know they can speak up for themselves – even to trusted adults, they need that example portrayed by the strong women, the strong people in their lives, people who realize it’s time to make a stand that ignores the way they were raised. Actions do speak louder than words. You can tell your child to speak up for themself, but if they witness times where you don’t speak up in respectful ways, more times than not, the shrinking violet they see is the example they will choose to listen to and follow.

To relearn parenting strategies means to act when you notice that your young child feels uncomfortable when being hugged or touched or tickled by another person – even when that person is family. Let your child know that it’s okay to say they are uncomfortable. They may need you to speak for or with them before they understand that it’s truly okay to say “No,” but it is vital – for their safety – that this behavior is modeled as well as spoken in their daily lives.

Train your children that secrets are not okay. Instead, use “surprise” so they can differentiate and know when they need to tell Mom and Dad. Use songs or games to reinforce their knowledge of boundaries and safe spaces. Perhaps you could go as far as role-playing, where you tickle them and they have to tell you “No,” just so that they can be familiar and comfortable with speaking up. Most importantly, be in tune with your children; if you notice they are uncomfortable, act on it.